The weight of a grudge

Grudge ~ A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.

I do not have a middle name but instead just an initial, the letter “G”, and I am sure that it stands for grudge. I have held a past hurt, grudge, for approximately 45 years ~ until recently. I believed this grudge gave me immense power and a leg up on this person. I could have not been further from the truth.

My parents divorced when I was about 9 and my father left. I had only seen my father three times since then and I am now 55 so that is 45 years of anger, hurt, resentment and the biggest grudge you have ever seen. The act of forgiving is not a natural thing for me and I realized that forgiving is not something you do for another. It is for yourself. I was recently notified that my father, who is now 80, was about to have a triple bypass and at this age it might not go well. I wondered is there a timeline for my lack of forgiveness?

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Colossians 3:13

Benefits of forgiveness

• Understanding that people are imperfect.
• Learn to grow from the situation.
• Accept the past for what it was and move forward.
• Its a process to get to the destination.
• Forgiveness teaches you about who “you” are.
• Forgiveness expands your sense of compassion, generosity, and mercy.
• That you are powerful enough to turn pain into love.

It is so easy for me to give the advice of forgiveness to others and an entirely different animal to adhere to it myself. I struggled with this looming predicament and spoke to God over and over. I then heard a small voice inside my heart that kept saying, “it’s time!” I could not get away from those two words. I saw them in my books and on the television and finally I had to concede to them and pick up the phone.

The heartbeat in my ears was deafening as I dialed the number. Then the word “hello” was suddenly so loud I couldn’t breath. I said “Hi” and all I heard on the other end of the line was utter sobbing. He instantly knew who I was and through the crying I heard “I’m so sorry” and I have prayed for you every night for 40 years. I have often wondered who had been praying for me as I have had many miracles in my life and I believe I got the answer right then. I felt the weight of a million pounds being lifted off my shoulders with those three words. The past was properly put away and filed accordingly. The extending of the olive branch to the one who caused so much pain was by far one of the hardest and transformative things I have ever done. I had offered goodness in the wake of unfairness that lasted 40 years and it had been one of the greatest lessons learned. It has taught me to take ownership of my experiences and has freed me from the blame game.

Reasons to forgive

• Unexpected beauty and growth will come from this situation.
• We all have such little time on earth.
• People deserve a second chance.
• Everyone is doing the best they can with the life they are given.
• You are a role model for others.
• Bitterness takes up to much space in your heart, you deserve to feel free.
• Beautiful things come from unexpected places and events.

Forgiving someone else teaches you about who you are.

Unknown

The level of spiritual maturity that I saw in myself was one of the greatest teaching moments. To be able to release the victimhood and grant mercy in the face of unfairness. This has been one of the best learning experiences granted by God and only he knew the best way for me to be able to receive it.